Thursday, June 26, 2014

Arch Enemies

 I have come to a profound conclusion. I have come to a supreme realization.  I have discovered a truth.
 This truth is that it is much better loving to hate someone than hating to love someone. I've spent too much of my grown man life hating how much I love someone. I haven''t spent enough time loving to hate an individual.
This truth came to me in the form of a man.

His name is Clint Abramson, and he represents all that is bad in the world, all that was bad in the world, and he represents all that will ever be bad in the world.

What initially started out as a small tiff in a game of basketball has evolved (or devolved, I suppose, if you are a pessimist) into an intense hatred for one another. The hatred that we have for one another has become gotten bad.

"How bad?" you ask.

Real bad.

I mean it's gotten to the point that we will not acknowledge one another's comments, presence, or right to exist on the same globe.

"Rom, that last GIF of the man throwing the baby did allow me to get an understanding of your intense hatred for the man, but why do you enjoy hating him? It sounds miserable."

Well reader, I am glad you asked that question. Having an arch nemesis is a unique thing and is hard for some people to understand. But let me do my best to try to explain why I love hating Clint.

Hating Clint Abramson has given me purpose in life. It has made the highs higher and the lows lower. It has made things infinitely more bitter and infinitely more sweet. Every Wednesday, I strap up my basketball shoes with an extra sense of excitement as look forward to proving to the world that I am a better basketball player than Clint.

When I play Yahtzee, I look forward to beating Clint, even though Clint isn't even playing.
(Look at how lame Clint's grandpa is at Yahtzee.)                                                           

 When I write poetry, I look forward to making sure that my poem is a thousand times better than Clint's.  

My poem 
Clint's poem

You know, I have a dream.
 That dream is that I will live on the same block as Clint Abramson for the rest of my life. I have a dream to teach my children to sabotage Clint's lawnmower and score better in school than his kids do. I have a dream to die directly after he takes his last breath. 

I just hope that I don't end up actually talking to this guy and realizing that he isn't half as bad as I made him out to be. That happened to my last arch nemesis, and all that I got out of the relationship is a Facebook friend who occasionally comments on my wall about sports stuff. 

Well readers,
Just in case you didn't get a good look image of Clint Abramson in your mind,  I Google imaged a couple of pictures of the man. Here they are.

Until Next time, 




Sunday, January 26, 2014

Yoga Chicks

I don’t know if there is anything stranger than a chick that is really into Yoga. I am going to give it the old college try and describe the level of craziness that most chicks that do Yoga are in. I’ll admit that the first time I met one of these new aged calm and open minded dames I was fooled. The fact that she spoke with a soft tone, could contort her body into the shape of a pretzel, and was lathered in essential oils kind of threw me off. I guess I associated confidence with Yoga chicks.
I suppose I should of listened to Teddy Roosevelt’s advice “Keep calm and don’t try and date Yoga Chicks.”  Anyway, as time has gone on I have begun to realize that women that are really, really, really into yoga are really, really, really bat shiz crazy.
 The other night I was chatting up a girl who sat in front of me at my yoga class. She was attractive and seemingly normal and when I say normal I mean that she didn’t have a super high voice or an extra appendage. Throughout the beginning of the class I made eye contact with her a half a dozen times.
 Then, It came time for our warior one posses. I had my arms straight, my hands forward, and my legs in runners lunge position. I looked forward and noticed that the  that fly yogi right in front of me was doing the same yoga position with one exception.  Her hands clenched together in the shape of a gun. Slowly the yogi bent her upper body backwards, so much so that her head and upper body was facing me but were upside down. Meanwhile  her lower body faced the exact opposite direction.
 She then looked at me with her face upside down. She extended her hands in gun shape pose number two towards me and pretended to shoot me. The yogi smiled and gave me a wink and then went back to normal warrior one position.
Now if I have painted my encounter with this woman as something that is sexy, I apologize. Really all this woman needed to was to eject green vomit from her mouth for me to believe that she was in need of an excorcism. No body and I mean no body should ever look like that.
Anyway this is one of a handful of experiences that lead me to believe that Yoga chicks may not be as confident and edgy as they want you to believe. I think that when you attempt to flirt with a man you hardly know while your torso is going the exact opposite way that it should be, you may have a problem.  

Thursday, January 2, 2014

What Grinds My Gears

You want to know what grinds my gears?

             When a girl you don’t like thinks you like them. There is nothing more frustrating in the entire world than trying to maintain a friendship with an female that thinks that you like them. It is a constant barrage of “you’re a really great guy, I’m glad we are friends.” And “I don’t think I could ever date you.”  I’ve even had girls sit me down and say “I’m not really interested in you” When I have had no interest in being in a relationship with them.
            What are you supposed to say when someone tells you that you don’t have a shot with them, when you haven’t been at all interested in taking a shot? I’ll tell you one thing you can’t do. You can’t get emotional and tell them you haven’t ever liked them, because then they just think that you are taking the breakup poorly. You can’t tell them that you are dating other people because then they think you are playing it cool. The only thing you can do is just sit there and let them finish their monologue on the subject of why you suck. 
You are subject to hearing things that are wrong with you when you really have no interest in hearing such a thing. There is no need for a woman you don’t like to tell you that you just aren’t her type, you don’t hold the door open for them, aren't serious enough, or that she is really just isn't looking for anything but friendship at the current moment.

            You just sit there and subject yourself to unwanted and unnecessary critique. I think it may be worse than a regular breakup.  I’m not sure though.
            I have been a victim of this for a very longtime . I remember taking  my friend out to my high school prom because I was too nervous about asking her best friend out. She made sure to tell me a half dozen times that we were just going as friends. I just sat through the “you’re a really great friend” speech taking it like a champ.
            As time has gone on, this problem hasn’t disappeared. I don’t know what it is, but it seems like every girl who's name of begins with a B that is a friend of mine has thought that I liked them, when I never have really liked them… well at least seriously liked them.
             The worst part about the whole endeavor is that at the end of it, I feel the need to make them like me. I feel like they have to start liking me so I can put them through the same crap that they put me through. It is an interesting experience. That much I do know.
Well readers….
I love you… but I don’t like you,


            Getting broken up with when you are not interested in a girl is almost as bad as when you are trying to work up the courage to talk to some chick at the airport only to have her snubbed out by a much more eager candidate claiming that he is an orthodontist. Not saying that this happened recently. Like right now, as I am typing this blog.