Sunday, August 14, 2011

I Curse the Day I Went to a Dance Party

I had the misfortune of attending a dance yesterday night. At times previous I would have not experienced my current feelings of disdain for such a venue but times progress and with those times comes the wisdom of experience. After coming to the conclusion that there was nothing else in Provo to do me and my new friend Stetson (an individual who I met a few days before) decided it would be a good idea to go to a dance party being hosted right in back of the Brick Oven parking lot.
There is something inherently wrong with a back alley party but there is something even more inherently wrong with a dance party where the slightest bit of physical contact is condoned and shunned. In short there is something inherently wrong with dance parties in mormondom in general. Mormon dances... They are all the same. No matter what bow and packaging you wrap it in a Mormon dance still is a Mormon dance. Remove the paint theme or Harry potter theme or movie theme from it, the Mormon dance simply has the same types of people doing the same thing. Stereotypes work well for this simply because there always is the same type of people that attend.
At any dance that I have ever been to in Provo there is always a white DJ who is making his best attempt to forget that he is white. This would not be a problem were it not for the fact that he does so at the expense of all those at the party. He himself curses the day that he was born white. He tries his best to cover up the fact he is white by wearing a fitted hat and a tall t but in the end it is a thin disguise for his curse of whiteness. The music that the man plays is exactly what the DJ is, a failed attempt at trying to be hip. For the first little while the parties progression is stopped because of this wretched style of music. However the eventual fact of the matter is that you have dressed up to go to a dance and so you are going to dance. Now if this dance party were to be located anywhere besides Provo with anyone besides Mormons the vast majority of people who lack the motor skills to dance would not be so noticeable. Physical contact between two Individuals would mask the sad fact that the majority of individuals do not know how to dance. However because we are Mormon we do not grind and bump or do anything of the like of it. So you curse the day that you were born without beat or rhythm and attempt to forget the fact that you look like a complete retard trying to cat daddy, stanky leg, tootsie roll, or do the hustle.
This is lack of dance and dance training is the truth for most individuals at the dance party. However this is not true for all people at the dance party. There is always a crowd of talented dancers who happen to be African American standing right outside the mass of people. For some reason however thy are not dancing. The possible saviors of the dance party look on with neglect and disgust as they see all others looking ridiculous while dancing. I soppose they curse the day they moved to Provo and so they just stand on the edge of the dance floor remaining aloof from all interaction.
 Then there are those occasional women of ill repute that despite the social stigma of being a complete whore have managed the dance as seductively as humanly possible. There they dance throwing caution as well as all human decency to the wind and move their bodies in ways that ought not be moved in positions that ought not be had.  They come in all forms. Big, small, tall, round, oblong, skinny. But they always do the same thing they dance as if they were the main attraction at the Larry Flints Hustler Club. They curse the day that pants were made and hope that somehow someway they're cloths will suddenly be removed and they will be left to dance in the stark nude for the whole world to see. By the end of the evening some primordial slime with a  chromosome will approach them and the match made in hell will have found one another. Much to the disgust of all people in the dance party physical contact will not be used sparingly between these two individuals. No I suppose that if all the dance parties in the world were combined there would not be room enough to contain the couples physical contact. They will most certainly make up for the rest of the dance party and will probably end up an unmarried couple with a child within the next year
As the dance party continues the music heats up. "Party Rockers Anthem" has already played twice and the ying yang twins "Get Low" is the next on the menu. It is about this time where dj whiteboy asks the fateful question "yo Provo how y'all feelin?" the crowd responds with a resounding yell that most have considered to be a cry of approval. I, however, disagree. It is a cry of disgust. How dare you white dj. How dare you remind us that we are in Provo, Utah. We are all a group of individuals attempting to forget the fact the we are living in Provo and you have the audacity to remind us we are still in this foresaken helltrap. And so the whole crowd simultaniously curses the day we moved to Provo. And that is why I hate dance parties.

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