Monday, September 5, 2011

Thoughts Regarding BYU Professors

Oh Come my children and you shall here the fateful semester that causes fear.
A's  if in dreams, F's if in life
The greatest thing I can hope for during this semester is a half decent wife
Why the sorrow do you ask?
A simple answer really professor's with ego's who make you task.
Sweat, slave, and lose sleep
Placing taxing burdens upon your back
like you've loaned money from a shark and your in too deep.
Summer is over and there is no time to slack
just time to whine, cry, and unpack

Now it is time to address the future twenty citizens of the moon colony Romneyia. Friends there is no greater evil in this world than a professor who assigns too much homework. If Dante's Inferno were to have been correctly translated I believe that there actually would be an either ring of hell. Brutus and Judas Iscariot are actually only on the second lowest level of hell. I sincerely believe that a professor who is so consumed with his ego and so consumed with his class as to assign eight page papers due each week of the semester along with one hundred and eighty pages of reading a week, deserves a special punishment in hell. I believe that he should be cast out to the lake of fire and brimstone. Lest he repents, he should be thrust to where there is weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. How dare any professor make the lives of his students a living hell. How heartless can you be? How can you expect your students to enjoy life when they sit at home on Friday night not because they don't have a date on Friday night or they do not have a friend to be with on Friday night. Rather they spend their entire life working on projects for a professor. What a pathetic and vain existence that the students of BYU are confined to.
   We attempt to come forth to learn and go forth to serve, but all that really happens is we come forth to waste our lives away in front of a computer monitor and we go forth with a menial job that has nothing to do with our degree. What good are straight A's if at the end of the day you want to cut yourself with a straight razor? 
 Regular professors pale in comparison to religion professors as well. The mere fact that I am being graded upon my personal spirituality and my relationship with God is not only appalling, but it is unethical and unchristian. It is totalitarian like in practice. How can someone with no religious authoirty over myself dictate my scripture study? It is wrong, It is sick, and it is detrimental to the spiritual growth of everyone in a classroom.
    I walked into my Book of Mormon class a week ago and was informed that I was to read half of the Book of Mormon in two weeks. The man then replied, "you can grade yourself on how you did and if you read the material in its entirety.... But remember this liars burn in hell!" Immediately I wanted to shout out that so to do religion professors, but I did not. What a sick and unethical practice. I believe that the average student going to BYU is attempting to live his life in a correct manner. I believe that he wants to do what is right. He wants to obey the council of the church and get good grades, so he can get a good job, so he can provide for his family. However, when a student is placed in a situation where he must choose over his potential future career (which entails providing for his family) and telling a lie can you blame him for choosing to lie? Is it his fault that he must write over a hundred pages of essays this semester and read more than two thousand pages of literature? Is it his fault that he works?  Would you be upset with him if he choose to lie? I think not. I hope not. How dare a religion professor (whose job is about as easy as you can get) assign him half of a book of holy writ to read in the first two weeks of class. \
The sins of your students my dear religion professor are placed to your charge and so you shall go to the tenth level of hell where all other teachers as equally as egotistical and prideful as you will go.

What does the tenth level of hell entail you ask? a punishment far worse then having half of your body in ice and the other half being repeatedly devoured by Satan.

I will attempt to describe it.

In the tenth level of hell you are trapped in the DMV. You are eagerly awaiting the chance to get to the window because you have something more important (which is anything in the entire world) to attend to. While waiting rerun's of Maury and Jerry Springer are playing on the television screen. You are sandwiched in between an exceptionally large Latino woman and a ninety year old man who has lost all control of his bowel movements. He has a colastomy bag but it ruptures every hour on the hour. occassionally your number is called and you go up to the woman in the DMV. She is middle aged and mad becuase her husband has just left her for someone else. You can't blame her for being upset, but she just takes out her failed marriage on you. You simply sit there and take it. Eventually you get frustrated and she uses what little power she has over her life to tell you that you have waited in the wrong line and need to go to another one. You repeat this experience for eternity.

Professors this is the hell that awaits you if you choose to be too hard.
With warning

1 comment: