Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Raising Arizona

this is an excerpt of my experience in Long Beach. 
well eating waffles was great, but  what was about to happen next was a little bit more frustrating then having our own minature racial inequality experience. Father and mother decided to leave me to my own devices and actually spend some time together. I was thankful for that. I decided that it would be in my best interest for me to continue the tradition of skateboarding around cities to find something cool and to explore the ghetto's of every major metropolitin area in America.
                Before I could get on my skateboard I thought it important to move my car from the Roscoe's parking lot before angry waitresses sought to further their prejudices by burning my mothers mercury sabel. And so I moved my car to a parking lot where I had to pay to park. However, I was on vacation and I was happy to do it. I paid the meter machine and then grabbed my skateboard. I was almost about take off when I heard a "hey where do you pay for  this thing?"
I turned around and there stood a porpus man wearing a button up T Shirt, shorts, sandals and socks. His hair was long and grey and ran to about the bottom of his neck. In a vain attempt to make it look a tad bit more presentable he had gelled his hair back.
                I quickly addressed the fellow with a cheerful explanation of how to purchase a ticket. While this man looked slightly unkempt and undesireable, I had no issues with him. I had no problems with who he was or who he is.  so of course I would direct him to the place that he needed to go. After giving a quick directions to him the man looked at me and then replied, "Man California sucks! This place is aweful! I wouldn't live here if you paid me!" Suddenely everything that I had previously felt about this man was erased and a feeling of contempt entered the very bottom of my soul.
                I responded quickly but casually, "where do you live sir?" the man looked at me said, "Phoenix Ari," and before the letters "Zona" could be pronounced I was peddling away from this ignorant chap. I did so to prevent a conflict that would undoubtedly turn out with murder. I bit my tongue. Now I unlike many people I know am not a hater. I do write sarcastic blog posts, but it is only because these posts are entertaining to a wide variety of people. I usually do not hate on things and for the most part I just allow things to exist as they are. However, when someone so ignorantly insults the land that i love I will hate. I will protect the name of california and will not have it dragged through sleeze and sute. I will preserve the name of california until the day that I die.
                were i to have addressed the man it would have gone something like this.  Sir you are the antithesis of everything that is california. Your Gecco hawaii T shirt scremes that you are indeed inept. You dress and your appearance leads one to believe that you have somehow managed to escape from an "Aha" music video. Did you just wake up from a twenty year coma because your sense of style would make it appear so and if you said that you just did I would not find it hard to believe. Your hair screams that you were a college dropout and are now attempting to make your living off of selling used cars and producing music for crappy bands. It is obvious that you have decided to use Elmers glue that you stole from your illigitamate grandson's day care for hair product, rather then spending an extra fifty five scents to pick up a bottle of LA looks from Walmart. Please give me the name of your hairdresser so I can do the world a favor and slip arsenic into her next wine cooler. Great Scott are those actually chino sandals that you are wearing. You do not appear to be a hiker. You do not appear to be an outdoorsey individual. Why on earth are you wearing chino sandals. Whats more why on earth are you wearing socks with those chino sandals. you do not appear to be black and those sandals certainly do not appear to be Nike Jordan sandals and it is obvious you do not have a pair
                Dear sir you apidomize your state. Your virulent reaction toward some of the small negative aspects of this state reflects the envy you have towards it. No man in his right mind would make such a fuss over the fact that you had to pay parking when you were in the middle of downtown unless that man was trying to find fault with a city or a state. Its not my fault that the light bulb salesman of america decided to have their annual convention here in Long Beach. No one is forcing you to come to this state. It not my fault that the large business you work for didn’t want to have their convention in the middle of the god forsaken desert. It is not my fault that they would prefer being in a place that has moderate tempterature an appealing climate and an innumerable amount of sights to see.  So why sir are you acting so bent out of shape about being in the best state in the union? I don’t have to gloat that I am from California. California just does the talking for me. Lets be honest, Arizona is the netherlands of the United States. Nothing really great or life changing has com out of the state. So Sir I say go back to your volunteer minute man station and shoot some illegal immigrant who is attempting to make a better life for himself. Maybe you can feel better about yourself that you stopped some man attempting to feed his family by working as a migrant farmer in your state (I hope you are sensing my hatred for minute man and any ignorant bafoon that would attempt to prevent a colonizer from having a better life). I thank you and your state for producing the most inept presidential candidate since Spirow Agnew. 
Now friends I do not hate arizona, but if you attempt to place your state above my own in an  unwaranted fashion I have a bone or two to pick with you. Arizona undoubtedly has some good qualities (like producing great drinks such as mucho mango and watermelon juice) and I do not want to hate on it too bad. However, I felt it a responsibility to protect the reputation of my state.
Until then
Raise Arizona

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